After the Rain

“Choosing myself is never wrong, that putting myself first is not a sin” 

Have you ever wondered why some people are scared to love? 

Heartbreaks are never easy to deal with; they occupy every space in your mind and break every piece of your heart. Recollecting these memories is as if rubbing salt to a fresh wound—there is no pain that is quite like it. In a perfect world, our immediate response to agony is to walk away from it. Yet, we do the opposite; we perceive pain as a puzzle that needs to be solved. The misery captivates us, waking our inner desires to mend broken people. 

When asked what my weakness is, I always say that I struggle to say no. Perhaps it is because I despise rejections and letting people down. Whenever I say no, I feel as though it is the most forbidden thing in the world. I grew accustomed to getting the shorter end of the stick and being fine with it.

From the experiences I went through, some relationships left me with trust issues, some with traumas I struggle to overcome, and some left me with the feeling of being never enough. As many would say, my past gave me so much to remember. Countless were the times I would tell myself to never settle for what I do not deserve, but I end up doing it anyway. Looking back, I realized that what Stephen Chbosky said is true—we accept the love we think we deserve. 

When I came across the painful side of love, it made me ask, will I ever love again? Will the fear in me to wear my heart on my sleeve ever subside? Will I be able to mend my broken pieces back together? When we love, we may encounter the unimaginable kind of pain, the ache that keeps us awake ’till the sun comes up. The torture we feel that no words can define, the agony that only stops when we are asleep. It can make us endure indescribable experiences, and for that, I firmly believe that love is still a beautiful thing. And at the end of the day, love should never be scary; instead, it should give us courage.

I have wandered and discovered my way to self-love through difficult roads. It is not how many people may perceive it to be—filled with rainbows and butterflies. Often, it is an ocean with raging waves. It was not smooth sailing, and it did not happen overnight. I spent months and years going back and forth in the process. There are days when it feels as though everything is falling into the right places, only to wake up the next day being back to square one. It is a constant battle every day between fighting and letting your demons win over you. 

In retrospect, this journey taught me so many things; some are realizations I never thought I needed. The entirety of this flight has made me realize that choosing myself is never wrong, that putting myself first is not a sin, and giving myself the love I freely give to people is not being selfish. The experiences I had to go through are similar to the showers during summer—unexpected and ironic. Indeed, self-love is a long and tedious process, but in the end, it is a priceless fulfillment. After the rain poured, I saw the rainbow that is self-love.

LAYOUT BY: Sigrid Deryll Q. Dy